Roger Reincarnated
by Shadowspeaker
Summary: Roger is reincarnated again- but as a woman! However, he still wants world domination, so he comes up with a plan to seduce Jon. Very insane, everbody's way OOC, and a lot of slash, even though I usually don't like slash. Please R&R!


This is kind of a crazy/weird fic that me and my friend Tressa made up. Its weird. I already said that. I'm weird. Yeah. Anyway, what if Roger was reincarnated (Yes, AGAIN!), but this time in the body of a very beautiful woman? I realize that the characters are rather OOC, and the language is, um, more modern than it should be, but . . . Oh, yeah, we love all the characters except Roger and Jon; they're the only ones we like insulting. However, we hope you don't take this fic personally and get all offended, because all of the characters (except Roger and Jon, but we still hope you don't get offended and take it personally) rock and are totally awesome!

Also, we have absolutely nothing against gays, lesbians, bisexuals, or people with different sexual preferences (Herald-mage Vanyel Ashkevron, called Demonsbane, called Shadowstalker, totally RULES and kicks Leareth-@$$!!!!! So does Bard Stefen) We just think that it would be funny if these particular characters were gay/lesbian/bi, since all of them were so obviously **not**.

DISCLAIMER: We own none of the characters, except Tylenel of Midycine and RG. We own the plot, but that's about it.

Roger of Conté was in the Realms of the Dead, lamenting over his, well, death.

"I'm evil, and Alanna **sucks**," he said with feeling. After all these years, the thought of Alanna, the first Lady Knight still brought on a wave of bitter memories and rage—

—and suddenly, for reasons unknown, Roger was back in Corus. **Again!**

" Dude, where's my car?" he wondered aloud. "I mean, dude, am I alive again? Koolio!"

Cat calls and whistles were heard. Roger looked around to see who the hottie was–and found everyone looking at **him**.

"Dude, why is everyone staring at me? Where's the babe?" the former duke asked.

Without warning, a person called Random Guy (RG) sidled up to Roger. "Hey, what's **your** name?"

"Uh, **Roger,**" he replied, baffled.

" Uh, excuse me for asking, but isn't that a **guys** name, babe?" inquired RG.

" Excuse me! No duh it's a guys name and what in Hell are you calling me 'babe' for?! You Shaych or something?!"

" Dude, you need counseling or something, you really need to accept your sex. I mean, The Goddess made you the way she made you. And She made you **beau-ti-ful! **Wait, what's shaych?"

"What in Hell do you mean?! And haven't you read anything by Mercedes Lackey?" Under his breath he muttered, "People never accept good literature these days!" 

Then Roger belatedly remembered that he was only able to read Mercedes Lackey's Valdemar books because he was **dead**. Anyhow, while the two were talking/arguing they were also walking along with the flow of traffic. Roger and RG found themselves in front of a fashionable boutique. Roger looked towards the shop window, and saw his reflection. 

" Aaaaaaaaahhh! Holy crap! What the hell happened?!?!?!" exclaimed Roger, horrified, for his reflection was that of an extremely beautiful noblewoman wearing a blue dress with a tight, low-cut bodice and full skirts.

" Oh, CENSORED, CENSORED, CENSORED!!!!! Oh, CENSORED!!" Roger was yelling now, "Damn, damn, damn, damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This can **not** be happening!!!! S***!!! CENSORED! Holy crap! What the CENSORED?!!?! Oh, CENSORED!" Roger began tearing at hi-HER hair. "OMIGODESS!!!!" He grabbed RG's shoulders and began to shake him wildly. "NOOOOO! Not my masculinity! Can you believe what happened to me?!?! I'm a WOMAN!" 

RG managed to escape Roger's death-grip and ran down the street, causing mayhem as he pushed people to the ground and had a nervous breakdown on the next block. 

__

Ok, Ok, try to calm down, everybody's staring at me. But what the hell happened to me? I'm a – woman. Breath. I wonder if I still have my Gift? thought Roger.

Roger held up his hand but no orange light appeared. 

__

That's a down side I hadn't counted on… What the damned hell am I supposed to do? 

Just then a knight wearing a stick-on nametag that read "Tylenel of Midycine" and a laundry detergent bucket with holes in it (he was wearing the bucket as a helmet) rode up to where Roger was standing. (think of Sir Beniveve or whatever his name was from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

"Damn, I got laundry soap in my eyes! Mom **said **she was going to clean this out better next time!" he grumbled as he neared the disgruntled ex-Roger. "Er, excuse me, Lady-fair. Hast thou no companion here?" he asked with a lame British accent.

"Uh, **no**." 

"Well, may I ask thee is called, m'lady?" he questioned eagerly, leaning forward in his saddle and nearly sliding off.

Thinking quickly Roger replied, "Er – Regina." 

"Well, Lady Regina, wouldst thou allow me to escort thee to the ball next Tuesday?" 

Roger – um, Regina – saw the opportunity that s/he had been waiting for.

__

World domination here I come, yea baby! S/he thought greedily. 

"Sure! I mean, yes, good sir," s/he corrected her/himself hastily. 

"Your Majesties, may I present Regina of – what did thou say thy fief was?" Tylenel introduced "the Lady Regina."

"Er, Étnoc," Regina whispered, eyes downcast.

"Regina of Étnoc!"

Regina was more than nervous about being introduced to King Jonathon and Queen Thayet, even though s/he knews that they wouldn't recognize her. She tried to curtsy as best s/he could, considering Roger never had to curtsy. "'Tis an honor to meet you, Jo - Your Majesties."

"Omigod, like, where did you get that awesome dress?! It's, like, so hip! And you, like, look totally fab! Sexy too, I might add." The King looked over at his wife and started whining. "**Thay-et**, how come **you **can't be like that?"

Thayet promptly slaped Jon before the startled Tylenel and Regina, and then ignored him. She was pretty used to her airhead husband: after all, she only married him for power.

"Oooowww! That hurt! I'm gonna tell my Champion!" Jonathon told her.

Thayet rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut up." She turned to Regina "Welcome to our court, and please excuse my dumb-@$$ husband. We hope that you shall enjoy your stay – and you better stay away from my man!"

Jon started sputtering and waving his hands. "You can't tell Regina that! Gaurds, off with her head!"

Thayet hits the heel of her palm against his forehead. "That's illegal; I'm royalty, you idiot. You can't decapitate me." 

"Uh, like, what's disapitate again? I, like, forget." 

Thayet sweetened her voice as if talking to a little kid. "To cut someone's head off, retard." 

"I, like, knew that! You, like, didn't have to, like, tell me!"

Thayet simply rolled her eyes again. "Mmm-hmm."

Regina and Tylenel just looked around trying not to stare at the bickering couple until Tylenel cleared his throat awkwardly.

Thayet remembered that they had company. "Oh, by the way, you two can have a seat."

Tylenel politely refused. "Uh, no thanks. I believe I shall escort milady to her room, if I may."

"Make sure she gets a nice suite – with a large bed!" Jon said eagerly, earning him an elbow in the side from the Queen.

"Uh! Tylenel, I didn't want to leave yet—" S/he looked at the bickering couple and seemed to change her mind. "Alright, let's go."

~~~~~~~~~~~

So? Did you like it? Did you think it was insane? Are you awaiting the next chapter? By Mithros, Mynoss, and Shakith, review, dammit! 


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